An encourager has an innate ability to re-frame any situation to the positive… Is this a gift or a curse?
"Have you ever heard the phrase "This situation is not nearly as bad as you think it is right now".
Have you ever had someone tell you that in the middle of a crisis? Was it helpful? It probably depended on the situation and who was trying to counsel you with it right?--
Here's a quick story-- Football Homecoming game
-Coach Schmidt-After a heartbreaking loss- "billion people in China..." The sooner you realize that this isn't nearly as bad as you think it is, the better off you're going to be in your whole life. Whoa-- Leave it to the HS science teacher and football coach to jolt a young man back into reality. Thanks Coach.
I've long been a believer that what we think is the start of a very powerful chain or cycle of events - Envision this with me-- What we think, affects what we see-- What we see affects how we feel-- and what we feel affects what we do-- and what we do will always have a result that can inform or change our thinking! A cycle.
Now encouragers are often very high energy, action oriented. I definitely identify that way. We want to get stuff done, and they love to see progress. We love to learn, and often are fascinated by new people, places and things-- We love an adventure. Negative situations, disappointments, hurt feelings or setbacks, disappointments are a really tough thing for us. I want to start by stating that I'm not a trained counselor-- although I am a pastor, and have 50 years of life experience-- I've been married to a wonderful woman for 27 years, and we have raised three awesome daughters, all whom are out on their own. I want to speak to you about the Encouragers mindset and perspective, but I'll often mention both a "mature" encourager, and also an immature encourager. I've been both! I have not arrived, nor am I trying to necessarily be the expert here-- I believe I am an encourager-- and I've spent some considerable time thinking and considering this-- that's my only qualifier here--
An encourager's tendency will be to shy away from negativity-- or even to laugh or make light of it. Confrontational situations often have driven me crazy- People who want to over analyze and pick apart every little detail just make me want to scream sometimes--- I just want everyone to have fun, be nice, and get along!
One tool in the toolbox for all of us, but one that Encouragers often rely on is "re-framing". This is an actual term used in psychology, often in counseling situations-- but I've employed this tactic and strategy nearly all my life-- even before I knew it was an actual "thing"! It's actually exactly what Coach Schmidt did for me back in the High school gymnasium after the football game.
Re-framing, is about looking at a situation, thought, or feeling from another angle. It requires thinking about it differently-- or with a more broad perspective-- getting back away from the nitty-gritty details can be very helpful-- But it's this "distance" that can be both an asset, as well as a hurdle. It's most commonly employed when we try to "be thankful" for something-- the attitude of gratitude is a form of "re-framing" our lives-- so as to see things from a larger perspective. It's often been a strategy for us to be content-- and to have peace with a situation. It makes me think back to my childhood-- and maybe yours as well-- your mom or dad telling you that if we look around, we can always find someone who has it worse than us-- Ok- yeah-- and as a kid, It didn't take me too long to say-- so what? That actually doesn't change my particular situation right now does it? Just eat your peas-- there are plenty of kids all over the world that are going hungry tonight and would love to eat that dinner. (well than send it to them, because I don't want it)...
The essential idea behind re-framing is that a person's point-of-view depends on the frame it is viewed in. When the frame is changed-- or "modified", the meaning of those circumstances can change--- this changes and thinking and behavior often changes along with it.
An encourager has this super-power-- re-framing comes very easy. This is the person that actually would suggest that the "Glass is actually 100% full-- 1/2 full of water, and the rest is full of air, right? The positive minded encourager uses this super-power in helping a person to re-shape the way they view a situation: This can be an invaluable skill in leadership, in being a person of influence -- in almost all situations in life!
An encourager can come along-side you, see your circumstances, process some details pretty quickly, and then often re-frame the situation and talk with you about how they "see" your situation, and perhaps some solutions to consider. (That is linked to their thinking) This can be extremely helpful in many situations! Coaches and teachers, pastors, mentors, parents, grandparents-- we all need that perspective check sometimes to wake us back up out of our faulty thinking.
Here's a couple of examples:
A high school student-athlete is upset she didn't make the basketball team. She is very disapppointed, and frankly humiliated and embarrassed that this happen. Although she may not want to talk about it-- when she is ready--- we would ask her what positive things might come from not making the team. The young person, after some thought and consideration (thinking) is able to say she will have more free time to maybe work a part-time job, and perhaps with enough practice, she might be able to make the team next year.-- or discover that she is a really good musician, and she can spend her time getting better at playing the piano.
AN encourager has this sixth sense to challenge the current way a person thinks! That can be an outstanding help to someone at certain times. Hopefully they do it graciously and kindly. That is the "good" side of the gift.
There is a negative application of this tool also--- The immature encourager will often just blurt out solutions and seem very dismissive of the way a person is feeling. Taking the space up with some unfounded, and sometimes unwanted statement trying to "reframe" the situation into something more positive-- It's kind of like that one guy at a funeral or calling hours line who insists on saying something ridiculous, like" Well, so sorry your mom died", but you know she sure isn't suffering anymore, and she's hopefully in a better place."-- That's not helpful. Like the mourners are all going to somehow instantly perk up and say "gosh, thanks so much, I never thought of that-- I'm so glad you pointed that out."...
Another silly example is Kind of like the character the "Black Knight" in that 1975 classic comedy movie-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail. If you're old enough to remember that scene where King Arthur is besting the Knight in the sword fight, but the Knight just keeps re-framing all of his injuries--WHACK-"Tis merely a scratch"--"Ah that but a flesh wound. Sorry if you don't know that reference... Maybe your dad would get it and think it's funny.
You see-- an out of touch perspective can not only be irrelevant to the situation, it can come across downright silly-- I've experienced my own unhealthy re-framing of a situation-- even to the point of basically being in denial of reality-- and that can be very dangerous. Oh, this chest pain isn't anything serious-- Oh, that wound isn't healing quite right, but it will be ok-- my fever will probably go away by morning. NO NO NO... Paying attention, even to our own pain, is a vital part of our maturity and our growth as a person.
Proverbs 25:20 says:
"Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart
is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day,
and like vinegar on soda."
It just doesn't feel right-- It actually makes things worse.
A more mature encourager understands that the feelings of being sad, and mourning losing a loved one are valid, and should be given space. That is VERY difficult for an encourager to do-- but with work, we can develop the patience to "sit" in the sadness for a little while. One way I've made progress in this is to be intentional in letting someone that I'm with feel their pain, without trying to reframe anything-- just yet.
My wife Wendy and I have had a conversation like this -- probably too many times :
She is facing a disappointing circumstance, like maybe a dinner recipe didn't turn out like it was supposed to-- She expresses that-- and I'm all too quick to offer up a dozen "Solutions"-- "It will be great"-- "MMM I actually like it!"--- "Ah well let's go out!"---
She will then sigh-- and simply say-- I don't want you to fix it--Am I allowed to be sad for a minute, Ok- sure I guess so--I definitely don't want you to be sad about this or anything-- EVER. But then again, a lesson for me in that is that it really isn't all about me, and what I think-- It
-Oh-- yeah. Ok, man- that sucks that the dinner didn't turn out the way you wanted. I love you. that's all.
Giving that feeling the vent that it needs is a tremendous help to the progress that will be made! In our haste to "fix" it-- we may try to make this huge "leap" over those negative feelings- and those very same feelings are a vital part of the process for both YOU and the person you are with.
Reframing can be a wonderful technique that we use to make sure that we are being reasonable and logical in the way we approach a problem, set-back or a loss.
Here's my recommendation for you to think about when it comes to reframing your thinking about a situation:
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Write down the situation or problem. ...Writing the facts and the actual circumstances can help you begin to conceptualize exactly what you are facing.
Write down your thoughts about the situation. Evaluating where your conclusions are is a huge step. Sometimes we make decisions about people, or situations with very little evidence to support our assumption. We often can jump to the extremes-- either worst case scenario-- or rose colored glasses that don't see the reality!
Write down what feelings and emotions you feel. ......Come to grips with how you are feeling. You know, I've struggled in my life with this-- I am so skilled at "stuffing down" feelings, there were times in my life when I didn't even know what I was feeling-- nor could I explain it.
Create three or four alternative thoughts and outcomes. You must keep yourself open to other ways that your situation could go.
I'll end with this If you feel like you're a gifted encourager-- I hope that you are a master of your particular gift of re-framing. I hope that you are self-aware enough to use your super power to bring a fresh and exciting positive perspective to someone-- without singing your song to a heavy heart-- It's an artform. Keep humble, and keep loving people the best you can. If you have an encourager in your life-- try appreciate the energy, passion and effort that this person has-- understand that we mean well, and that we sometimes want things to be better so badly-- that we are willing to be a fool for a chance to fix it. Be patient when we don't get it right-- and don't be afraid to let us know that you "just are going to be sad right now"-- hopefully your encourager will be able to join you, and give you what you really need-- which is a listening ear, or just companionship--
Go make it a great day today, and stay close to Jesus.